Sunday, March 22, 2015

Reality is Hard-But God is Faithful

Day-to-day life rolls on in a very day-to-day way.  Meals need to be made, homework needs to be done, the house needs to be cleaned, the winter fades into spring--life goes on.

At the same time, the emptiness creeps in. In the last week I have felt a loneliness and longing for my soul-mate that is a very day-to-day emptiness. I can't even begin to count the number of times I catch myself thinking about something I want to tell him or ask him about.  And then I remember he is not here to share these very day-to-day parts of my life.

I miss him so much and in so many ways.  I'm often over-whelmed by all there is to do and to carry alone as I walk through these days of adjusting to life without Dennis by my side.


I'm learning to lean hard on God.  His Word has reminded me over and over again that He is faithful. He is there to comfort and provide the wisdom and guidance my heart longs for.

As much as I miss Dennis, I know God has a purpose for the days ahead.  The Psalmist says:

All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Psalm 13:16

Dennis' death was not a surprise to God. Before he was ever born his days were planned.  Not only is this true for Dennis, it is true for me as well.

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; 
your love, O Lord, endures forever--
Psalm 138:6

God has a plan for this season of my life. For the grief and loneliness--there is a purpose.  I trust Him today and tomorrow--although this season is hard, God has promised He is with me and He is faithful and fully trustworthy.

The statutes you have laid down are righteous,
they are fully trustworthy.
Psalm 119:138

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

One Month

How are You?

It is hard to believe that Dennis has been gone for a month already.  At times it seems like yesterday and at others it seems like forever.  We both miss him so much.

I am asked often, “How are you doing?”  My most frequent response is, “It varies from day-to-day.”  I find myself going about life and then it will hit me and it is all so fresh and painful again.  I recently went back to work and I find myself thinking often about talking something over with Dennis when I get home only to remember he won’t be there.  I miss that day-to-day interaction the most.  As time has passed, I find myself more and more lonely while at the same time having to pick-up and go on.  It is a strange place to be in life.

Brooklyn is doing well but misses her daddy a lot too.  We talk about him and at times that is easy and at other times it is difficult.  Both of us journal and that is helping us too.  I think Brooklyn describes it well when she says, “I just don’t feel right.” It will take time to adjust and there will always be a huge hole in our hearts.

Am I Enough?

I have been pondering the question, “Am I enough?”  In other words, is God alone enough in my life or is a complete life dependent on having the right circumstances, people or things to be fulfilled and content?  To be honest, I struggled with this, especially early in Dennis’ illness.  I could not imagine moving forward with any sense of completeness without him.  It was a real battle in my soul.  I remember distinctly a point at which I looked to God and prayed that He would do with Dennis as he chose and that I would trust Him to care for me regardless of the outcome.  It was a turning point for me in knowing God was indeed enough to make my life complete and to bring Him honor and glory.
This, by no means, means  I don’t miss Dennis or wish we could have grown old together.  I will miss him every day until we are once again reunited in eternity.  It is helping me to live expectantly for what is ahead.  I do not want to live like the best part of my life is over and only look backward.  I will always cherish the years we had together but I am also choosing to look ahead with faith that God has much in store for me in the years ahead.  I have seen Him work in miraculous ways during Dennis’ illness and I can hardly wait to see what God has in store for the future.

Is God enough?  Yes, a thousand times yes!

Monday, February 16, 2015

Two Weeks Home

Dennis has been home for two weeks - healed, whole and in the presence of his Savior.  Can I admit I am jealous of him?  After 32 months of battling this cancer, he no longer has to face chemo, trial drugs, MRIs, radiation, fatigue...He is alive and well in a way that we can only imagine.  For him, it is only complete joy.

For us, there is deep grief, tempered only by the sure hope that Dennis is indeed fully healed. Brooklyn and I miss him every single day.  Some days we do fairly well and others are so hard. Yesterday I missed him so much it physically hurt.  

Two weeks ago as we left the hospice following Dennis' death, Brooklyn wrote "Dad" on the back of the car.  She has continued to refresh this anytime it starts to get covered in salt and dirt.  

She misses Dennis also.  Like me, she also struggles with sleeping at night. We know in time we will settle into a new normal and feel better overall but right now it is difficult.  She went back to school today and I think the routine will be good for her.  I'll return to work in March.  

Brooklyn is also expressing herself in her art.  She told me when she drew this that she didn't know if Daddy could see us but that maybe he could.  

Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

Dennis' Service

If you want to see the service and the slide show, you can go here:  If you want to just see the service it is here also:  

I'm so grateful for the people who have supported us along this journey and in the last several weeks. We are sustained by your love and prayers.  

Thursday, February 5, 2015

I Saw Jesus In You

Usually when I write, I have been mulling around a thought or idea for awhile and by the time I sit down to actually write it, it has already been written and all I have to do is put it in print.  That is not the case today so if I am rambling, that may be the reason.

I really don't know where to begin.  Dennis was an exceptional man.  He loved the Lord passionately and it was at the heart of how he lived.  He was a man of integrity but his motivation was not to be a "good guy" but rather to let others see Christ through him.  I think this song is so true of his life.

I shared on Facebook a conversation I had with Dennis after he had been to a brain tumor support group.  The discussion that day had been about "bucket lists."  Dennis looked at me and said, "I really don't think I will get to heaven and say, Man, I wish I would have..."  Heaven was his "bucket list" and he finished it on Monday.  In the 32 months that Dennis battled this cancer he looked forward to heaven.  I never once heard him complain about having cancer or all that he went through.  At one point when he was doing really well he said, "Don't get me wrong, I think I am going to beat this cancer and part of me is really bummed by that."  He truly was looking forward to heaven.

The only thing he ever was concerned about was that Brooklyn and I would be OK.  He told many of our friends this as they drove him back and forth to his appointments.  The day before he died I asked him if he was concerned about us and he shook his head yes.  I reassured him we would miss him but we be OK.

Shortly after he had left for heaven, I looked at him and said, "I so wish I could see what you are seeing right now."  As I work through the loss of his presence, that is what I am trying to focus on. He is where he longed to be and in the presence of his Savior.  Our loss hurts deeply but a reunion awaits for those who love the Lord and I can't wait for that day.

Brooklyn and I have been doing OK.  We have been busy these last couple of days.  Each night I sleep a little better than I did the night before.  I'm sure Friday and Saturday will be both exhausting and encouraging as we celebrate Dennis' life.

I am very unsure about the new normal that will follow but God will be there to lead us into it.  He has a plan for what is ahead of us and I know we can trust Him.

This is one of my favorite pictures of Dennis.  We were at the top of Trail Ridge Road in Colorado and he was throwing a snowball at me.

Thank you all for your love and prayers for us.  We sense the strength they are providing to us each day.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Monday, February 2, 2015


At 10:45 today Dennis left his cancer stricken body and was fully healed and in the presence of his Savior.   As he left his body, the hymn "It is Well with My Soul" was playing.  It is indeed well with all of our souls.  Dennis' soul is in the presence of his Savior whom he has longed to see.  I said to him moments after he had left, "I so wish I could see what your eyes are seeing."  Amazing.  He can walk, run, jump and speak.

It is also well with my soul.  I have a wonderful peace.  Yes, there is a deep sorrow too but a peace because of the assurance that I will see Dennis again.  I miss him already.  Heaven is that much sweeter because he is waiting for me there.

Details of the arrangements to honor Dennis' life and memory will be finalized tomorrow.  For now, the visitation will be at High Point Church in Madison on Friday and the service will be there as well on Saturday.

Please keep us in your prayers as we learn to live our new normal without Dennis.  

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Just Another Day...But So Different

In some ways today feels like just another day.  In the last 32 months we have spent time in the hospital three times and in a rehab center once so in some ways today feels like just another day.  Sitting by Dennis' side and being his advocate for whatever he needs seems like the ones that have gone before it but this one is not like the others.

This time I will not leave pushing a wheelchair, helping Dennis into the car and getting him settled in at home. Instead, I will walk out the door no longer a wife but a widow.  There will no longer be that companionship of a shared life and heart that has been our very blessed normal since God brought us together.  I will leave behind a large piece of my heart as I leave here.  That parting is drawing near.

The inside of Dennis' wedding ring and the edge of my diamond is engraved with the words, "God joined us."  He joined our hearts and our lives and that bond will remain.  I will carry Dennis forever in my heart.

Tonight I spend some of our final hours together.  A last kiss, a last whispered "I love you!", a last hand hold...BUT...a great reunion awaits. We know the parting we will soon make is temporary as eternity awaits where there will be no more death or tears.  Only this hope has kept us going in the last months and will keep Brooklyn and me focused on the rich blessings in our lives moving forward. Don't get me wrong, my heart breaks. I will always miss Dennis.  I wish we could have grown old together, watched Brooklyn grow up and hold our grandchildren but I trust and believe God when he says He works all things in our lives for good.  We don't see or understand all that He is doing in our lives or in the lives of people around us but He is at work and I trust Him.

The hours and days ahead will not be easy but God is faithful and will be there then as he has faithfully been in the past. Please keep us in your prayers as we spend whatever time we have left together and for the days ahead as Brooklyn and I move forward into whatever God has for us.